Jealousy. That's the third thought that comes to mind when I think of my siblings. First Love and then protection . .. which comes from me being an older sister. The jealousy/anger part comes from the things you see them get to do/have that you never did.
Reason I'm talking about this is because my younger sister and I had lunch together the other night. And we ended up talking about our little brother, and he's been getting into trouble lately and getting away with it. I believe I have mentioned two accounts here where he crashed the purple car, and the other where he lied to my parents about where he got the dent on the truck.
Now when me and my sister were younger and if we pulled any kind of shit like my brother did . . . my dad's foot would be so far up our asses and we would be grounded. My brother on the other hand well . . . this is the part where it angers my sister and I . . . that he gets away with wrecking one vehicle, denting another, caught smoking, skipping class . . . and the parents are really doing nothing about it. The excuse we get is that he's difficult and apparently my sister and I were a walk in the park.
I remember when my sister was first dating . . . she had to be home at a certain time and wasn't allowed to be alone with him in our house and the lights had to be on. However with my brother in his girlfriend, the lights are off and no one cares what they are doing.
So when it comes to my brother . . . my sister and I can quite mad at the shit he can get away with . . .
Jealousy . . . I feel it always with my sister. Never been jealous with my brother . . .
The way mom and dad would sometimes treat her . . . getting home late from a party they take pity on her so she doesn't have to help with the farm . . . I only came home late a few number of times I could count on one hand . . . and it didn't matter if I had only gotten maybe two hours of sleep . . . they always got me up not caring home much sleep I had gotten . . . but apparently with my sister it was fine to let her sleep some more.
I feel sometimes like I'm holding a grudge . . . and I know it's not my sisters fault . . . she's always been more popular than me . . . had the friends and guys chasing her . . . kind of hurt to see your younger sister walking down the halls of high school surrounded by friends while you walk alone.
There is just one memory that I can never get out of my head . . . I don't know why . . . most things like this I just try to get forget and push it away .. . but this it just keeps bothering me . . .
When I got accepted into college to take my Office Adminstration course . . . I got a few gifts from my parents, phone calls from relatives on how proud they were of me. All was good . . .
But then my sister got accepted into a two year agriculture course . . . of course longer than my course was, only a year . . . but they threw this huge party for her. I mean I was proud of my sister . . . I was really was, it was a hard course to get into . . . but deep down as I watched them bring the cake out that read in big letters 'Congratulations' . . . I just had to walk away for a while . . . I know damn selfish of me eh?
Right now I have a steady job even with the economy the way it is . . . almost own my vehicle (loan to be paid off completely next month), I live on my own . . . and yet I still get jealous of my sister . . . who is making the bigs bucks on the oil rigs, has a company truck that she doesn't need to pay gas for, and is looking for a house to buy . . . to which makes me feel like a failure somehow.
I would do anything for my siblings . . . I really would. I punched a guy in my english class one time on the shoulder because he was saying cruel things about my sister . . . challenged to meet him in the parking lot if he wanted to continue talking like that . . . same with my brother . . . people have tried to say mean things about him and I'm on that person like shit on velcro . . .
But my siblings . . . if someone was making fun of me . . . they go along with it . . . I know they do. . . . I've seen it and heard it . . . and it hurts. It hurts a lot . . .
To them I am a freak really . . . someone they don't understand. My likes of japanese animation and manga . . .my hobby of cosplaying as another character . . . they don't get it nor do they want to get it at all.
Tears fall when I think of this . . .
Inu-Hugger